I was born in a small village of stupid old people and illegal aliens. I guess, in some way, all of this helped make me into the kid -- and, eventually, the adult -- I was to become.

I can still remember my best friend telling me about the time I ate sand in the park one July. As if there wasn't anything else to eat. I had plenty of problems as a kid. Another time, I not only ate the sand, but my best friend too. I threw up my best friend on her mom when she asked where she was. As you can imagine, my parents were a bit concerned the year I was to start school. How would I manage?

Most of my school years were quite lonely and filled with beating up people. Sure, there were bumps along the way, but I had survived my schooling -- well, most of it.

Then came my senior year in high school, which I found especially challenging. In addition to school work, which I handled in a skillful manner by simply assassinating the teachers. But, despite my occasional doubts that it would ever happen, I did eventually find myself standing in cap and gown, shaking hands and accepting my high school diploma. I had made it! The big remaining question, of course, was -- What now?

A year out of high school I never thought I'd be eating the pie God Peterson said was good. Yes, there were a lot of surprises -- good and bad. Some of my dreams were even starting to come true. One in particular, in fact, although I didn't know it at the time, was about to become a reality.

I had always wanted to own one, and now finally I had one: I had a driver's license. Now I could run people over and say I was a drunk priest. Things were definitely falling into place. What more could I want?

The first time I saw the one who was to be my spouse for a lifetime I was overjoyed. It was like a dream. I was walking into a public restroom and there was this guy there and he said "...OH MY GOD I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE MEN'S RESTROOM." I was surrounded by the people I loved. What could be better?

Actually, I never thought I'd keep in touch with those couple of friends from school, but we never really stopped talking. We wouldn't chat for weeks, sometimes months, but when we did pick things up, it was like we had been talking just the day before. They knew me so well too. They knew my little quirks, like the way I always said random crap that made no sense and yell at people I know IRL for being stupid.

Speaking of pleasant surprises, I never thought school would prepare me so well for my future careers, but then we can't know everything about our future, can we? Although I changed jobs a number of times throughout my life, each of my positions was characterized by being insanely corrupt and having no life to speak of.

I sometimes just stopped and thought about all the things that had made me into the person I'd become. I'd never guessed that those childhood friends, those crazy high school years, would have such an impact even fifty, sixty years later. Strange where the roads we choose take us sometimes. When I was a teen I would never have guessed that I would have such vitality and strength in my bones even at the elderly age of 75. My birthday party today was great. So many friends came by to wish me well, and the party, I found out as I got out of bed, was dedicated to me. A few of my strongest friends rose to say a few words in honor of what I did in my early years. I'll never forget what they said about me:

"You were a horrible world leader and you're getting too old and senile for the job," then they shot me.